March
21
2012
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Will Accepting Spouse’s Viewpoint Annihilate You?
When you read some marriage help articles, they may advise things such as, Don’t ever criticize your spouse!
Well, that’s assuming you’re either a saint or super-human, right?
In this blog, I’m going to offer some marriage help and tell you it’s okay to criticize your spouse. However, you need to know that there’s a right way and a wrong way and 3 tips for creating a productive outcome. Keep reading
Help Your Marriage: Learn the Two Types of Criticism
In a perfect world, we would never feel the need to criticize another human being, especially our spouse.
But criticism is a natural reaction when someone or something does not act in accordance with our expectations. Criticism is a way to express our opinion, and our disappointment in an event, outcome or circumstance.
However, there’s a way to express criticism that helps a marriage, and a way to do it that destroys the intimate and emotional connection with your spouse, ultimately eroding your marriage bond.
The worst way to criticize someone is to attack their character. For example, imagine your spouse has just broken a very expensive vase. If you say, “You are such a clumsy oaf! Why can’t you be more careful”? this is a very destructive form of criticism. It’s a personal attack, and will make the recipient feel defensive, angry, humiliated and/or hurt by your words.
If, on the other hand, you say, accidents happen. I recommend you not pick up a vase when your hands are wet which I’m sure you know but just forgot.
Do you see how this second way of phrasing the criticism doesn’t carry the same sting? It’s not personal, it’s just stating the facts with a little input on a best practice to remember to follow in the future. This is called constructive criticism, and it helps you to express your opinion or observation without hitting the recipient below the belt.
We’ve all seen television shows and movies about irate bosses who yell all manner of insults and abuse at their employees and co-workers. These people are portrayed as unpopular, right? They make people bristle from the criticism, and employees are likely to dig in their heels and to the opposite or grudgingly go along to get along.
However, those who treat everyone like a fellow human being who makes mistakes just like anyone else while being acknowledged for the capability of doing better tend to earn the respect and gratitude of those around them.
Next, I’ll give you 3 tips for successfully delivering constructive criticism.
Three Methods for Doing Criticism Right
To create a harmonious home in which your spouse will be more receptive to your words, learn and use the following three methods when you need to bring up something that is in the criticism camp:
Method 1: Stick to the Topic at Hand
Some people criticize, heaping everything together at once: You just did this, and before you did that, the other, and another thing, and you’re always The recipient of this type of criticism is overwhelmed, and also feeling dejected before they’ve even tried to do better.
When offering a criticism, stick with the one thing that’s going on right now. Don’t bring up everything your spouse ever did wrong in the past six months, or you will be tuned out and there will also be hard feelings.
Method 2: Don’t Attack the Person
Remember the difference between good, constructive criticism and bad, destructive criticism: don’t make it personal. If you find yourself wanting to say something insulting, wait until you can manage your words better. To attack someone’s mental, physical or emotional being is not going to influence them to want to do better.
Method 3: Offer a Solution
If your expectation of an event or circumstance is not met and you feel the need to offer a critique, also offer a solution. This shows a spirit of cooperation and support, rather than leaving the recipient of the criticism to figure it all out by themselves and maybe get it wrong again.
Most people do well when they feel that someone is trying to work with them, is not questioning their intelligence or capabilities and is offering some help in the form of possible solutions.
My best to you as you implement constructive criticism in your marriage.
Do you practice destructive criticism or constructive criticism?
Do you feel criticism is a necessary part of any relationship? Why or why not?
What is your spouse’s response to criticism?
Why do you feel he or she reacts in this way?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
March
16
2012
The Importance of Apologizing
There are two little words that can go a long way to saving your marriage and keeping it healthy and happy for years to come. Those words are: Im sorry.
I cant tell you how many couples I have seen that have a problem with apologizing. People often get so caught up in their own way of seeing things that they cant even muster an apology for simple offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or forgetting to take out the garbage.
Unfortunately it seems that apologizing only becomes that much more difficult as problems get more sophisticated. A forgotten birthday or anniversary, hurtful words said in the heat of an argument, or a late night out with friends when you promised to be home for your family are all events that deserve a full and authentic apology. However, a lot of people react with defensiveness and anger instead of apologizing for situations like these.
I think that part of the reason people have such a hard time apologizing is because they equate the words Im sorry with Im a rotten person or Youre better than I am. But that isnt what the words Im sorry mean at all.
When you say Im sorry, what you are doing is taking responsibility for something you did that hurt your partner. Youre showing that you realize what you did was hurtful, and communicating to your partner that you care about him or her enough to amend your actions so as not to cause the same problem again. You are not submitting to the idea that you are less than. . ..
People make mistakes. We all do. Sometimes the need for an apology is the result of a mistake. Sometimes we even make mistakes that hurt the people around us.
Other behaviors that need an apology might be the result of poor judgment. This is a situation where you intentionally (not by mistake) did something wrong because you made a bad choice. Examples include extra-marital affections, staying out too late with your friends, coming home drunk, and driving yourself, your spouse, or your children when you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Often, these poor judgment calls like these hurt the people around us.
When you do something that needs an apology, it doesnt necessarily mean you are a wretched person. Doing something wrong doesnt make you a wrong person. It only means you took some action that you have to make amends for. You did something wrong, and now you need to deal with it.
In addition to this it could mean that there are areas of your personality or character that you need to work on. Egregious mistakes (like having an affair) or mistakes that you make over an over again (like consistently forgetting important events) mean you need to take some additional steps to rectify the parts of your character that created the possibility for these mistakes in the first place.
Even in these cases, it doesnt mean you are an evil person. Rather, it means there are some areas you will likely need to make real changes in if you are going to live the kind of life you most want to live, and create a wonderful relationship with your spouse.
Whatever the case, when you hurt your partner, the very first thing you need to do is admit that you did something wrong and apologize for it.
Different situations require different kinds of apologies. Obviously, having an affair deserves a different kind of apology than leaving the cap off the toothpaste. As such, I cant cover in this article all of the details of how to apologize for every offense.
Nonetheless, I would like to offer you a few suggestions on how to apologize for relatively minor offenses so you can start using apologies in your marriage today to show your partner you care and stay out of some unnecessary arguments.
For a fuller treatment of what kind of apology is needed when you have had an affair (or engaged in other extremely hurtful behavior) I refer you to my book Surviving an Affair. In the meantime, here are tips that will help you start apologizing for some mistakes that most couples face.
Tip #1: Admit What You Did Was Wrong
When you do something wrong in your marriage and you know it, its better to admit it, apologize, and move on. If you deny you did something wrong, act like you were justified in your actions, or otherwise defer responsibility for what you did, you are only setting yourself up for more trouble in the long run.
Just make a simple admission of the being wrong. Dont defer responsibility, and dont defend your actions. Openly and maturely admit what you did was wrong.
For example, lets say Joe forgot that his wife, Sally, said she was going to have dinner ready for him when he got home from work. As a result he decided to go out for a drink with some colleagues from work instead of going home for dinner.
In this kind of situation Joe would want to avoid saying something like:
You know, you didnt tell me you were going to cook me dinner. And even if you did, how can you expect me to remember anything you tell me when Im on my way out the door? Whats so special about dinner, anyway? Its just food. Youre being too picky. Just leave me alone about it, already.
It would be much more meaningful if he said something like:
Youre right. You asked me to be home for dinner and I totally forgot. Im really sorry about that. I should have called home before I chose to go out for a drink anyway. That way you could have reminded me that we had dinner plans. Im sorry I ruined your plans, and Im sorry I hurt you.
And, if Joe truly does not remember Sally telling him in the morning, he would just omit the first sentence.
As you can see, the first response is filled with defensive justification It minimizes the importance of what Joe did and minimizes Sallys feelings. Another variation would be for Joe to somehow make it Sallys fault that he forgot their dinner plans.
On the other hand, the second response is a full admission that Joe did something wrong. In it he admits what he did was wrong, he says hes sorry, and he expresses regret for hurting his partners feelings.
When you admit that you have done something wrong, you are communicating important information to your partner. You are telling your spouse that you care enough about his or her feelings to accept that what you did was hurtful, and you are telling him or her that you intend to be more conscious about these kinds of actions in the future.
In short, you show that you care about your partners feelings. Thats an important component of a good marriage.
Tip #2: Drop the Defensiveness
Apologies are as good as dead if they are stated in a defensive manner. When you adopt a defensive tone of voice, use physical mannerisms that are defensive, or if the words you use are meant to defend your case rather than admit your mistake, you arent making a real apology.
In fact, using the words Im sorry with a defensive tone of voice is worse than not apologizing at all. It turns the entire apology into an invitation for resentment and hurt feelings.
Consider the following example:
What do you want from me? You want an apology? Fine, Im sorry! Is that good enough for you?
What kind of response would you expect from this kind of apology? Its pretty obvious that all it would do is create more hostility and frustration for everyone involved.
A better apology would sound something more like this:
Im sorry for what I did. It was wrong, and I know that I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, and I truly feel bad for what I did. I know how I got myself into that situation and I will do my best to keep that from happening again.
As you can see, eliminating the defensive tone goes a long way toward making the apology more sincere. It reduces the possibility for additional hurt feelings, and opens a gateway for you to move past this issue toward a happier future. In most situations, an authentic and complete apology will also diffuse the other persons anger.
Tip #3: Dont Be Demeaning
When you are apologizing to your partner you should avoid demeaning his or her feelings. It may be that you wont completely understand why your partner is hurt; however, it isnt for you to decide whether or not your partners emotional response to your words or actions are justified. You dont get to determine whether or not your partner deserves to be as hurt as he or she is. The hurt feelings exist. You helped create them. Now you have to deal with them.
Lets look at an example. Imagine for a moment that Carl and Allison are working on repairing some problems in their marriage. Part of the problem they are facing is that Carl has a hard time communicating his feelings to Allison. Hes been doing a lot of work on his communication skills, but Allison still doesnt feel she understands Carl very well.
At one point Allison says, Carl, you just cant communicate at all! I mean, I dont understand what youre talking about here.
Carls feelings are really hurt by this statement. Hes been working hard to learn how to communicate better, and this statement from Allison totally blows him out of the water.
As a result he says, Wow Allison. That really hurts. I mean, Ive been working on these communication skills, and when you tell me that, it makes me feel like Im just making no progress at all.
Given this scenario, lets imagine two different apologies from Allison and determine which one is going to be more meaningful.
First lets look at a demeaning apology. Lets imagine that Allison says something like:
Good grief! Youre completely overreacting. I mean, I cant believe youd get upset over something like that. Im sorry. I should never have said anything I guess. You dont know anything about feelings!
Now, I dont consider this an apology. Though the words Im sorry are contained in the statement, the feeling is demeaning. It fails to take into account Carls feelings. And perhaps worst of all, its likely to simply shut down Carls attempts at
communication.
On the other hand, Allison could say something like:
Gee Carl, Im really sorry my words hurt you. I dont completely understand why my words hurt you, but I believe you when you tell me they did. Please tell me more so I understand what I did so I wont do it again.
This apology is completely different. It communicates Allisons inability to understand exactly why Carl is hurt, but it still takes his feelings into account. It isnt demeaning. On the contrary, it opens up the possibility for further communication about the issue at hand.
Apologizing when youve done something wrong is one of the keys to a long-term marriage. Just saying the words Im sorry when youve done something to hurt your spouse is a step in the right direction, but its usually not enough.
The tips in this article should help you take the apology a step further, and help you on your road to a relationship that is better than ever.
Let me know how it goes with you. Id love to hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this blog by clicking the comment link below..
As always I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage.
March
15
2012
Research Shows Marital Fighting Style Predicts Divorce
Do you think that because you fight with your spouse, the eventual outcome will be a big ugly divorce?
According to marriage researchers, not necessarily so. However, fighting can be a predictor of divorce, and in this blog, Ill explain why. Read on to see if youre headed for divorce
Conflict Within Your Marriage
There are some couples who are terrified of expressing themselves to each other for fear that things will escalate into a full-blown argument, and this will begin a trend that can only result in disaster: a divorce.
Then, there are couples on the opposite end of the spectrum who are quite vocal about what they think and feel, and their relationships could almost be characterized at least to outsiders as one big fight that never ends.
You may know couples like this. I think we all do. In fact, you and your spouse may be one of these couples.
In any human relationship, there is bound to be conflict. Person A has needs, represented as T, U and V, while person B has needs too, represented as X, Y and Z. Inevitably, because these needs are not exactly the same, there is going to be a clash as each person strives to get their T need or their Y need met.
You and your spouse are individuals who came together into the union of marriage. Rarely does anyone marry someone else who has the exact same needs so theres never any conflict.
Add to individual needs the underlying layer of emotions and personal history: were all a product of our upbringing, what we observed in terms of relationships while growing up, and how we learned to express our needs.
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This brings us to how we handle conflict and whether or not we engage in fighting with our spouse.
Successful Married Couples Fight Like This
If youve ever seen a couple heatedly arguing back and forth, you may have thought, Theyre headed for divorce. Or, you may have thought it in the heat of your own battle with your spouse, thinking the marriage is over.
This could be true, but it depends on one very critical element: How is the fight conducted?
Its how you manage conflict with your spouse that is the biggest predictor of divorce. Let me explain.
Utilizing data from seven long-term studies, marriage researchers have identified variables that, such as actions and attitudes, that predict whether or not a marriage will succeed. The studies included people from all ranges on the marriage spectrum, from newlyweds to long-term marriages.
One of the biggest variables in predicting the outcome of marriage was how a couple expressed themselves to one another. Those who had successful marriages:
1- Expressed their dissatisfaction
2- Brought up their complaint gently rather than with a sledgehammer
3- Got directly to the point instead of insinuating or hinting
4- Didnt dress up their complaint but laid it out as it was
5- Didnt talk down to or criticize their spouse
So, how does your fighting style stack up? Work through the following exercise to find out:
Step 1: Analyze your marriage fighting communication style
Take an honest look at yourself, because no one knows you better than you: when you argue with your spouse, do you express yourself gently, or do you wait until things build up and you explode? This could lead to you talking down to your spouse or criticizing them harshly when you never intended this to be the outcome.
Also, if youre recovering from your spouses affair, it may be a time of extreme emotional upheaval for you now, and you dont feel like your self, with your emotions getting the better of you.
Step 2: Consider what your fights consist of
When you and your spouse are in the midst of an argument, are you direct about what youre feeling, or do you beat around the bush in hopes theyll just get it? Do you feel you are able to adequately express your dissatisfaction with the issue at hand, or do you find yourself bringing up past slights and hurts?
Step 3: Timing of arguments
Your spouse and you at any time can hit a point of conflict. When this happens, do you feel safe to bring up the issue at the time, or is it something you let fester? Is there a more productive way you could handle conflict so that it doesnt escalate?
Thats all for this week it gives you plenty to contemplate for now. Next week, well look at ways to go from arguing so that youre creating a negative marital outcome leading to divorce to a way of fighting that is productive and within a more nurturing environment.
My very best to you as you examine your fighting style with your spouse and how it may impact your marriage.
How do fights with your spouse end up? Is there satisfactory resolution?
When you fight with your spouse, are you afraid it means youre headed for divorce?
As you and your spouse argue, what thoughts are going through your mind? Do you wish, as a couple, you could handle conflict better?
Please share your ideas and experiences with the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
March
12
2012
marriage Problems & Emotional Control
Many marriage problems are the result of explosive emotional outbursts on the part of one or both spouses. Or, your marriage problem may include never expressing what youre feeling to one another.
While its important to acknowledge the emotions you feel, a balance must be struck so that you and your spouse can use emotions to come closer togethernot drive an irreversible wedge between yourselves that kills intimacy.
In todays blog, well explore how emotions can have an impact on marriage, including its problems. Please keep reading to get 3 valuable tips
Emotions Run Amok
There are some people who are uncomfortable with their emotions. If this describes you, maybe you grew up in a home where emotions were tightly kept, never openly displayed.
Or, maybe youre just the opposite: very comfortable with expressing how you feel. Your upbringing may be characterized by people who actively engaged in heartfelt emotions that ran the gamut from love to intense anger. To you, it may be perfectly natural to shout when you want to express your frustrations, etc.
Marriage problems can occur in one of several ways:
1- Both partners do not openly express their emotions.
2- Only one partner expresses their emotions, the other is sealed shut.
3- Both partners actively share their emotions.
The marriage problems begin when people become firmly entrenched in their method: one partner stays shut off while the other is angry all the time because he/she cannot get through to their partner. Or, both partners have actively shared their emotionsbut they only know how to express themselves by yelling at one another.
Side Effects of Emotional Expression Forms
When emotions arent controlled properly, a side effect is the decay of intimacy. How can you feel close to someone who shouts when theyre angry, or never opens up?
And this loss of intimacy is keenly felt, which can lead to partners feeling a range of emotions that become difficult to let go of: indignation, self-pity, self-righteousness, intense anger, frustrationjust to name a few.
It becomes more and more difficult to bridge the widening gap when emotions are not worked out and shared in a healthy manner.
The following 3 tips are to help you control emotional expression:
Tip 1: Make Regular Talk Time
One common marriage problem is that many couples get into a communication rut: they talk about mundane things such as household chores, but completely ignore the deeper talks they need as a couple to feel melded together.
Basically, you may have become lazy in your relationship, stuck in a pattern of shouting, silent treatments, or blatant disregard.
Schedule a regular time to talk, to explore whats beneath the surface. Which leads me to the next tip
Tip 2: Create a Safe Haven
Whether you have trouble expressing your feelings or no trouble whatsoever, ask yourself: have we created a safe space for both of us to express ourselves, free of contempt, defensiveness and anger?
Maybe your spouse wont open up to you because he or she feels vulnerable due to your shouting when youre angered by something. Or, you shout in order to feel youre really being heard. Its important that both you and your spouse feel that you can turn to one another and express your deepest emotionsand not be hurt by the others reaction, which leads to
Tip 3: Set Ground Rules
If you and your spouse need to have a discussion in which you know it may become highly volatile, its best to have pre-established ground rules for these types of talks. It will be a habit to develop, to know when to step away. For example, if you feel yourself become more angry (giveaways include increased pulse rate, tension in your muscles), you would say, I need to step away and cool down. I will let you know when I have myself within control again.
This is not a method that should be abused, as a way to get out from under heavy discussions. Rather, it is a tool that is used as needed in order to keep those discussions on track, free of hostility and recriminations.
My best to you as you resolve your marriage problems and grow stronger together.
What is your style of emotional expression?
What is your spouses style of expression?
Do you think a lack of emotional control has contributed to your present marriage problems?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
March
11
2012
marriage Help Productive Criticism
When you read some marriage help articles, they may advise things such as, Dont ever criticize your spouse!
Well, thats assuming youre either a saint or super-human, right?
In this blog, Im going to offer some marriage help and tell you its okay to criticize your spouse. However, you need to know that theres a right wayand a wrong wayand 3 tips for creating a productive outcome. Keep reading
Help Your Marriage: Learn the Two Types of Criticism
In a perfect world, we would never feel the need to criticize another human beingespecially our spouse.
But criticism is a natural reaction when someone or something does not act in accordance with our expectations. Criticism is a way to express our opinion, and our disappointment in an event, outcome or circumstance.
However, theres a way to express criticism that helps a marriage, and a way to do it that destroys the intimate and emotional connection with your spouse, ultimately eroding your marriage bond.
The worst way to criticize someone is to attack their character. For example, imagine your spouse has just broken a very expensive vase. If you say, You are such a clumsy oaf! Why cant you be more careful? this is a very destructive form of criticism. Its a personal attack, and will make the recipient feel defensive, angry, humiliated and/or hurt by your words.
If, on the other hand, you say, Accidents happen. I recommend you not pick up a vase when your hands are wetwhich Im sure you know but just forgot.
Do you see how this second way of phrasing the criticism doesnt carry the same sting? Its not personal, its just stating the facts with a little input on a best practice to remember to follow in the future. This is called constructive criticism, and it helps you to express your opinion or observation without hitting the recipient below the belt.
Weve all seen television shows and movies about irate bosses who yell all manner of insults and abuse at their employees and co-workers. These people are portrayed as unpopular, right? They make people bristle from the criticism, and employees are likely to dig in their heels and to the opposite or grudgingly go along to get along.
However, those who treat everyone like a fellow human being who makes mistakes just like anyone else while being acknowledged for the capability of doing better tend to earn the respect and gratitude of those around them.
Next, Ill give you 3 tips for successfully delivering constructive criticism.
Three Methods for Doing Criticism Right
To create a harmonious home in which your spouse will be more receptive to your words, learn and use the following three methods when you need to bring up something that is in the criticism camp:
Method 1: Stick to the Topic at Hand
Some people criticize, heaping everything together at once: You just did this, and before you did that, the other, and another thing, and youre always
The recipient of this type of criticism is overwhelmed, and also feeling dejected before theyve even tried to do better.
When offering a criticism, stick with the one thing thats going on right now. Dont bring up everything your spouse ever did wrong in the past six months, or you will be tuned out and there will also be hard feelings.
Method 2: Dont Attack the Person
Remember the difference between good, constructive criticism and bad, destructive criticism: dont make it personal. If you find yourself wanting to say something insulting, wait until you can manage your words better. To attack someones mental, physical or emotional being is not going to influence them to want to do better.
Method 3: Offer a Solution
If your expectation of an event or circumstance is not met and you feel the need to offer a critique, also offer a solution. This shows a spirit of cooperation and support, rather than leaving the recipient of the criticism to figure it all out by themselvesand maybe get it wrong again.
Most people do well when they feel that someone is trying to work with them, is not questioning their intelligence or capabilities and is offering some help in the form of possible solutions.
My best to you as you implement constructive criticism in your marriage.
Do you practice destructive criticism or constructive criticism?
Do you feel criticism is a necessary part of any relationship? Why or why not?
What is your spouses response to criticism?
Why do you feel he or she reacts in this way?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
March
8
2012
Killing Intimacy, One Day at a Time
When is communicating with your spouse not a good idea, pushing you into a situation of trying to save the marriage?
When its killing the intimacyeverything good between you.
Saving the marriage may be a matter of putting the brakes on communication, at least until you learn about the communication dead-ends you may be engaged in. Ill give you 3 tips for undoing their damage in the future. Read on
Save the MarriageStop Communication Dead Ends
If you are talking with your spouse, no may not be deliberately trying to push him or her away. But the way you are communicating may be doing that for you.
For example, lets say you want your spouses cooperation with chores around the house. You say:
Im so tired of doing everything myself.
Your spouse may interpret this as:
Im really displeased with what a failure you are.
This may lead to your spouse becoming defensive, so he or she says:
I do plenty around here, you just wont acknowledge it.
And it escalates from there.
This is a communication dead-end: you are not getting cooperation, and your spouse feels the need to lick some imagined wounds youve inflicted.
Heres another scenario. Your spouse comes to you to seek your cooperation:
Would you take care of this, which you said you would do days ago? I have been asking and asking, and you keep promising and promising.
You feel like your spouse is nagging you: the chore in question is something that wont make or break life as you know it, and you dont see the urgency. You said youd get to it, and thats that. So your response:
Uh huh. Okay.
And you go back to reading your magazine.
Come Together with a Tactical Change
Many marriages fall into communication dead-ends, where they simply stop hearing each other and coming together to resolve issues and concerns, and instead set up opposing encampments with a big divide down the middle.
Many people, if they were in their work environment, wouldnt think of dealing with their co-workers in such a way. But across the world, people are killing intimacy between themselves by treating each other with less respect than they would show a co-worker (sometimes one they cant stand!).
These next tips will help you end the intimacy-killing communication and save the marriage from further harm:
Tip #1: Set Ground Rules
A lot of couples have never agreed on how they will communicate. Consider the second example above. Lets say its the husband who has to remind the wife about things, and she hears it as nagging. A ground rule he could set is: I will ask or suggest one time, and I will need you to give me a completion-by time, so I know youve heard me.
And the wife could set a ground rule: I will acknowledge that you have asked me something, I will give you a time expectation, and I expect you wont repeat the request again.
Tip #2: Show Spousal-Respect
Dismissive behaviors and accusatory tones have never brought two people closer together. These are things that drive the wedge that kills intimacy. When you and your spouse need to discuss something, show respect to the other: give them your full attention, make eye contact, and acknowledge what you hear them saying.
Tip #3: Be Marriage-Patient
Most marriages dont run like a perfect script. There is going to be a night you come home tired and snap. Same with your spouse. A marriage requires a lot of patience and good will. You just cant be perfect 100% of the time, but you sure can aim for it.
My best to you as you save the marriage and build intimacy.
What communication dead ends do you and your spouse use?
Do you feel you communicate with each other respectfully?
Have you set ground rules for how you communicate?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage
March
4
2012
Is Your Spouse Addicted?
Internet access, picture cell phones
technology has created some interesting sexual-addiction opportunities. You may have thought your sex life was normal, and then come across something that challenged that view, whether its your spouses interest in internet porn or a stash of pornographic magazines and DVDs.
Now, you may be confused, wondering if your spouse is a sex addict.
Sexual addiction is a complex topic. In this blog, well examine one way in which sex addicts try to justify their behavior so if you hear this excuse, you can take proactive steps to help him overcome the addiction and heal your marriage using 2 steps. Read on
Speak Up for Yourself if You Suspect Addiction
Sex is an integral and beautiful part of a healthy marriage. Sometimes, though, sex becomes something that feels like constant physical craving rather than an expression of love. This is a form of sex addiction, and it can bring a lot of pain into your marriage.
A sex addict has his priorities mixed up, placing sex near the topor even at the very topof his list above all else. Sex becomes more important than his marriage, his friendships, or his own well-being, and he craves it like a drug. And, just like an addict, he will do anything to get a fix. Some spouses even try to coerce you into becoming involved in a deviant and dangerous lifestyle.
When your spouse gets the craving, he might go to the Internet. He might pick up a woman in a bar. He might do any number of things that he promised you he would never do again. In order to justify his behavior to himself, he might even ask you to join in.
Dont let your spouses sex addiction make the decisions in your marriage. You need to set firm relationship boundaries, and say no to suggestions that make you uncomfortable.
If you go to bed early and your husband stays up for hours on the Internet, ask him in your friendliest tone and with a smile on your face to come to bed with youit shouldnt seem like a punishment to him. Or, suggest an activity, such as watching a movie, playing a board game, or having a conversation, which will allow you to stay up together.
Sex addictions often grow worse because scenarios that could have been avoided are allowed to spin out of control. And, your spouse needs to stop making excuses for his behavior. For example, dont buy the Im Just a Red-Blooded Male excuse.
Some men use that line to avoid being held accountable for looking at porn online, or flirting with a co-worker. They claim that all men act like this. Dont buy this excuse. A sex addict, just like any other type of addict, will always seek ways to justify his behavior.
Sex addiction is built upon deceit, so you need to begin the cleansing process as soon as possible, using these 2 steps:
Step 1: Flush the Toilet
Look at dishonesty as if it were layers of filth and grime. The only way to rid your relationship is to flush the toilet. You put everything out in the open, being completely honest about everything you have ever done.
This is painful, and it might even finish your relationship. Telling the truth is a risk, but if its done authentically, and you keep working on your relationship, you will have a starting point of complete honesty. If your partner has struggled with sex addiction, this will help put him back on the path toward honesty. He is allowing you to take a real account of his character.
Step 2: Commit to a No-Lies Policy.
Once you remove the filth of lies burdening your relationship, you want to keep your relationship clean. That means total honesty. No lies, omissions, or clever wordings that get around the truth. In marriages threatened by sex addiction, dishonesty and secrets are big problems.
Make honesty a habit in order to heal your relationship.
My best to you as you heal your marriage.
Do you suspect your spouse is sex-addicted?
Has your spouse used any unique justifications?
Have you been working together to resolve the addiction?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
March
4
2012
How to Fix a marriage (Eliminate This )
If you want to know the secret for how to fix a marriage, try to be a fly on the wall of your home.
Now, what on earth does that mean, right?
Well, a fly on the wall would be able to hear whether or not this particular corrosive element is evident in your marriagebut a fly cant tell you how to fix a marriage that has it.
In this blog, I will. Also, Ill give you three tips for eliminating this one corrosive element before it completely kills intimacy, and ultimately, your marriage. Read on
Developing Awareness to Pinpoint Marriage Derailers
In lieu of strategically placing yourself on the wall of your home in order to capture your own conversations with your spouse, lets try a different tactic: awareness.
Lets face it: at some point in our lives (maybe even as often as daily), we get frustrated with things that happen (or dont happen). It may be something our spouse says, or something he or she does, that leaves you frustrated. Or maybe its something that your spouse neglects to do. Whatever it is, youre only human, and at some pointyoure going to make your opinion known.
Now, this is what separates the good marriages from the marriages that are aimed for a concrete wall: how you bring up the issue with your spouse.
In a good marriage, the spouses are able to voice a complaint in a way that invites cooperation from their spouse. It is delivered clearly and respectfully, with an eye toward resolving the issue theyre having.
If you want to know how to fix a marriage thats experiencing a lot of strifeyou will want to model that style of interaction. However, many couples who are in crisis seem to go about expressing their complaints in the worst way possible: they swing for the fences, laying out their partner by criticizing their actions or words, and sometimes even displaying a sneering contempt of their partner.
Does this invite cooperation, when the approach is done in such a heavy-handed way? No, not at all. The person on the receiving end of this expression of opinion feels the need to defend himself or herselfand you gain no ground in getting the issue itself resolved.
For example, lets say your spouse forgets to take out the trash this week, and its something that frequently happens. Youre in the position of reminding your spouse each time it happens.
Youve had a rough day at work, and there the trash sits, piled up in the corner of the kitchen. Your spouse is getting ready to turn in for the night, and you storm into your bedroom and explode:
Youre always forgetting to do what youre supposed to do, leaving it for me to do, or putting me in the position of being your parent. You behave just like a child, needing its mother to remind it to put shoes on before going out in the snow and basically having not a care in the world. I guess its a good thing Im here to think about these things, since you apparently cant be bothered or are suffering some kind of dementia related exclusively to trash. You dont care about anyone but yourself.
Wow, right? Now, even though you are in the right in the sense that your spouse may depend on you to provide backup reminders, the way to go about bringing up this issueand finding a permanent solution for itwould have to be an approach that brings your spouse closer to you, rather than alienating them (or running for their life).
Using the same example from above, here are three tips for how to approach the issue with your spouse in a productive way that helps you fix a marriage that has lost its foundation of love and respect:
Tip #1: Calm Yourself First
If you feel your rage creeping uptake a timeout. Approaching your spouse when youre seeing red will only be counterproductive: You may feel good in the short-term, but in the long-termyour message will be lost.
Tip #2: Express Yourself Succinctly
Get right to the point: Im upset that youve forgotten to take out the trash. It makes me feel as if youre relying on me to remember, and I thought we had divvied up the household chores equitably. I feel pressured to remember for you.
Tip #3: Ask for Help in Resolving Issue
Then, seek cooperation from your spouse by asking, Is there something you can do to help yourself remember? This places the ball in the court of your spouse. Sure, forgetfulness can happen to any of us, but if its a consistent issue for your spouse, they need to come up with a way to be their own backup reminder and not rely on you to take on the additional responsibility.
As you can see, this way is not accusatory, nor is tip #2 taking that sort of tone. Its seeking help from your spouse in resolving an issue that seems to crop up frequently.
My best to you as you learn how to fix a marriage that has lost its way.
After trying to be a fly on the wall to your conversations with your spouse, are you aware of an undertone of contempt or criticism?
Which of you needs work on how you communicate your complaints?
Have there been times when you blew up at your spouse? Did it help you resolve an issue, or put you a step behind?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
March
1
2012
He Cheated, And Now Has a Child
He cheated, and thats difficult enough to try to forgive, let alone forget. Even the smallest things might bring up painful memories: hearing about a movie stars marriage break-up due to a spouses cheating, or seeing someone with the same name as the ex-paramour.
But what if youre in this situation: your spouse and the ex-paramour have a child?
For the wife whose husband has cheated, this is constant torment. An affair is bad enough, but when theres a child, the situation can become overwhelmingly complicatedunless you manage it.
In this blog, I will offer you the #1 rule to implement so you can manage this pain and move forward in rebuilding your life and your marriage. Keep reading
Stepping Back from the Pain, Taking Control of Situation
Its possible that even after he has cheatedand created a child with the ex-paramour, that your life can become happy again. There is hope that you can heal, but it will take a fair amount of effort. Thats because a child born of this union adds a whole other layer of pain.
Discovering that your spouse cheated is emotionally shattering. Then, you find out about a child, and the anger, denial, and grief seem to come in endless waves.
So what can you, as the victim in this horrible drama, do?
It is simpler for the cheater to end all contact with his ex-paramour when a baby is not involved. He can avoid her in social situations, refuse to take her calls and never see her again.
A child however, adds a level of complexity that cannot be avoided. Your spouse cant shirk his responsibilities to this new life he helped bring into the world. You are the victim of this affairand a child is an innocent bystander.
As the victim of this affair triangle, you can manage the process by setting up the rules for what is an acceptable, responsible way to handle this situation.
At heart, the vast majority of people would never do anything to intentionally hurt a child. In fact, there are many stories of people who have risked their lives to save a childsomeone who was a complete stranger to them.
No doubt, you realize this, but there is still the issue of your pain. And the best way to manage pain is to manage anything that causes you the pain. Therefore, creating some rules within the #1 rule for your spouse to follow is perfectly within your rights.
The #1 Rule
Here is the #1 rule that is healthy and commonly used by other victims in just this situation:
Rule 1: The Cheater Must Never Be Alone with the Ex-Paramour
Within this rule are multiple layers, which should be worked out to your best ability with your spouse.
The father of the child must be responsible. But for the wife, the idea of her husband co-parenting with the ex-paramour is completely unacceptable, and there are some situations where the husband completely gives up all parental rights and responsibilities except for financial ones.
Whatever the mechanics of the arrangement, one rule should be crystal clear: the ex-paramour is not to be alone with your spouse. While the child has a right to see his or her parent and spend time with himthe ex-paramour has no such right.
That means absolutely zero alone time between the husband and his ex-paramour. When he goes to pick up the child, his wife should be in the car. If possible, a relative or friend not the ex-paramour should bring the child out to the car. It is essential that contact is limited.
Joint parental decisions can be made by e-mail with the wife reading and contributing to the exchange. Or, these can be made by telephone with the wife listening in.
While your spouse must manage his responsibility to the child, he must also manage his responsibility to rebuilding your trust and comfort level. It can be doneand this #1 rule will help get you both there.
My best to you as your marriage rebuilds and strengthens.
Did your spouse and his ex-paramour have a child?
How have you handled this situation?
What specific steps would you recommend others in this situation take to help alleviate some of this unique pain?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
February
28
2012
Cheaters, Your Hearts at Risk
Besides the moral and ethical considerations, a cheater should also be selfish and think about something near and dear to them before they carry on an affair: their heart.
Im not talking about their romantic heartwhich they may very well break when they realize the big mistake theyve made. No, this is a different type of break: the actual physical risk they expose their heart to.
In this blog, well look at an affairs one possible health risk, and 3 tips for building an important element back into your own marriage. Keep reading
Cheating Can Be Heart-Risky
Your spouse should be thinking of a lot more reasons for not cheating on you, beyond just their own health. But in case you suspect your spouse is just a little too cozy with a co-worker or friend, or generally disgruntled in the relationship, you may want to helpfully pass along this information.
Just in case theyre entertaining any ideas
If there is heart disease present, for most people, sex is not risky. But what the research supports is that having a heart attack and dying during sex may be a rare occurrence, but when it happens, it tends to happen with menwho happen to be engaged in cheating.
Some people who cheat want to feel young again, but your mind may be saying one thing and your body another.
Of course, that desperate attempt to feel young again may fool the cheater for a certain amount of time, but most wake up and say, What have I done? Ive thrown away my marriage for what?
Remorse can be stressful, as can lying and sneaking around on ones spouse. And stress is linked to a variety of medical conditionsincluding heart disease.
So, today we have had a unique twist on why a cheater shouldnt cheat: to preserve their own health. But what can someone do who is feeling tempted, because they want to feel young again, or they are feeling unfulfilled in their marriage?
Feeling Young AgainIn Your Marriage
A lot of cheaters mistakenly believe they can recapture their youth by running around with someone new. Maybe they feel they are able to let loose, be themselves, or a variety of other mental justifications for committing adultery.
Even if they feel this way for a brief time, eventually, the vast majority of cheaters who have a conscience simply feel like cheats.
Here are 3 tips to help anyone wanting to feel better in their marriage:
Tip #1: Evaluate the Fun Factor
Take a good, long look at your marriage in recent years. Now, on a scale of 1-10, where does your marriage rate in terms of being fun, if 1 is no fun at all and 10 is a daily blast?
Tip #2: Make a List
If you and your spouse had just met and you were beginning to date, what are some things you would like to do with him or her? Are there new restaurants to try? A hike youve been wanting to take? A museum you wish to visit? A weekend away at a bed & breakfast?
Make a list of fun things you would like to do, and ask your spouse to do the same. Doing an activity like this can help you feel like a kid in a candy shop: write down whatever comes to mind. This isnt the time to worry about cost and time off and all that business-end of things.
Tip #3: Call Your Spouse for a Date
Youve been married a while, maybe, and think your dating days are behind you. But dating is generally associated with a happy time in your life, which is why its important that you dont pack it away just because youve said your vows! In fact, its even more important now: fun activities increase intimacy with your spouse, and having fun is also a stress-relieverwhich is heart-healthy.
After youve created your list, call your spouse at work and ask him/her on a date. Choose one of the activities from their list. The only rule for the date is to have fun.
My best to you as you build fun into your marriage again.
What did the fun factor in your marriage come out to be?
Why did you give yourself the score you did?
Have you and your spouse stopped dating?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,